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Accidental Incest: Someone for Everyone
by Lenny Schwartz

Author: Lenny Schwartz

Description: A sick and disturbing comedy about two people who find romance in this crazy world. The problem is that they are indeed brother and sister! So they are left with a question: Be miserable or be with the one person who truly gets who you are.

Year Written/Copyrighted: 2012
Date Added: 6/9/2012
Content Advisory: Nudity, strong language, extreme content
Keywords: Comedy · Philosophy · Sex · Small Cast Size
1 Act, 75 Minutes
2 Females, 2 Males

NOTE: Accidental Incest: Someone for Everyone is fully protected by copyright law and is subject to royalty. All inquiries concerning production, publication, reprinting or use of this play in any form should be addressed to lnnyschwartz@aol.com.

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From the Author:

Accidental Incest: Someone for Everyone is a play I wrote because when I write a play, I write because it scares the hell out of me…and then I like to see if I can pull it off. It is a comedy but it is also a very sweet play about acceptance. Acceptance of all people in the world, no matter size, shape, color, or creed. It’s a sweet funny show. And Accidental Incest actually happens more than you may think. It’s just nobody wants to talk about it…until now.

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Original Production Information

Accidental Incest: Someone For Everyone was presented at the 2012 Planet Connections Festivity at the 45 Bleecker Street Theatre with the following cast and credits:

Milton: Mat Clerrico
Kendra: Corinne Southern
Kevin, Sven, Bob, Tyler, Tool, Angel One: Geoff Monti
Jen, Jackie, Cindy, Angel Two: Lauren Ustaszewski

Director: Lenny Schwartz
Stage Manager: Caitlin Murphy
Producer: Jim Belanger
Set Design: Jim Belanger

Excerpt from Accidental Incest: Someone for Everyone

MILTON: Hey there.


KENDRA: Um, hi.


MILTON: Up late tonight?


KENDRA: As are you.


MILTON: My internet connection went down.


KENDRA: Mine too.


MILTON: You know what that means.


KENDRA: I sure do.


MILTON AND KENDRA (together): No free Porn.

Milton And Kendra look at each other incredulously.

MILTON: I’m Milton.


KENDRA: Kendra. (they shake hands) My, you have a strong grip there.


MILTON: I’ve been living alone for four months. You bet I have a strong grip.


KENDRA: I’ve... lived alone for that long too.


MILTON: I moved here in June.


KENDRA: Me too! Wow. We could be twins!


MILTON: Well, If we were twins, I would totally have sex with my sister.


KENDRA (sincere): You’re so sweet.


MILTON: I know how to treat a woman.


KENDRA (smiles): You’re okay, Milton.


MILTON: I have my moments.


KENDRA: Would...would you like to come up to my room?


MILTON: No.


KENDRA: No?


MILTON: Don’t get me wrong, I totally want to. And believe me, I would wreck you.


KENDRA: How do you know I wouldn’t “wreck” you?


MILTON: Sweetie, trust me, I would hit that so hard it’ll be satanic. Or it’ll be like the opening scene in “Saving Private Ryan.” Your arm torn off and you’ll be carrying it and shit. But romantic.


KENDRA: You seem to know all of the right things to say. You smooth talker.


MILTON: Let’s go on a date.


KENDRA: A date.


MILTON: I want to do things right.


KENDRA: A gentlemen.


MILTON: Dinner. Desert. Dancing. Maybe some heavy petting.


KENDRA: A real live gentlemen. If only my father could see me now...


MILTON: I feel the same. Sadly, I never knew my real father. I was withdrawn.


KENDRA: From the bank?


MILTON: My dad shot blanks. And they never told me who the donor was.


KENDRA: Wow. It’s amazing.


MILTON: What it?


KENDRA: I feel like I am looking at a cracked out alternate world version of myself. The same thing happened to me.


MILTON: You’re from the bank?


KENDRA: The Savings and Loan sperm Bank. And I always wondered who my father was. We’re so alike.


MILTON: It’s haunted me my entire life.


KENDRA: I think that’s why I’m so fucked up.


MILTON: I have dreams sometimes that I am in the sample cup. Pressed against the glass. Looking out. Alone. And there I sit. Stuck.


KENDRA: Dried up.


MILTON: Yeah.


KENDRA: I’ve been there. It’s a lonely place.


MILTON: Filled with guilt and remorse.


KENDRA: Nobody to hold your hand. Hell, you don’t even have a hand to be held.


MILTON: I wonder why he did it sometimes. Did he need money? Did he owe a bookie some obscene amount?


KENDRA: Or was he just a pervert?


MILTON: I don’t know. But one day? I am going to find out.


KENDRA: And I’ll be right there with you. Holding your hand which now does exist.


MILTON: This has been an incredible night.


KENDRA: I look forward to our first date.

They kiss. Kendra leaves the stage.